At last – quit day is about to arrive – tomorrow July 9th, 2007. I’m so glad it is almost here and am actually looking forward to the nicotine cravings etc so that I can get it over and done with. Anyway we’ll see tomorrow and finally I can blog more. I’ve been on vacation abroad for the last two weeks with friends so haven’t been able to write as I planned, which is a pity as I wanted to write about the act of smoking while fully engaged in it.
I want to document why I want to stop smoking, as I am sure that I will waver in the days to come. Unfortunately I have to write this quickly as I have a lot of things to do to prepare for tomorrow:
- I have lost self-respect for myself and have low self-esteem. I didn’t attribute these feelings to cigarette smoking but now I am convinced that are at a minimum contributing to an overall sense of negativity. I did a series of sub-conscious abstract works earlier this year and while most of them were vivid I gave them all titles that were self-deprecating. Check out the series of works called “Moved to Abstraction†on my website. That’s what finally led to this project – I started to question why I felt that way. The answer didn’t go any further than smoking.
- I feel I am not in control of my life – cigarettes CONTROL me. They dictate what I do every part of the day. I avoid certain situations where I can’t smoke, who I visit etc. Cigarettes control me and I am ASHAMED of that.
- I’ve become lethargic and waste days. I don’t leave the house as long as I have cigarettes. The result has been a very depressing and lonely year. I’ve created a prison for myself at home, where I can smoke secretly with no one watching and judging. I can’t imagine that non-smokers feel sorry for smokers but must be repelled and disgusted. Catch 22!
- Not surprisingly I feel STUPID. I am horrified when I see some of my nieces and nephews smoke and yet I smoke in front of them. I don’t want to encourage anyone to ever to start and yet I smoke in front of children! I also can’t believe that it has actually taken me over twenty years to get to a state of mind where I accept that smoking is detrimental to my health and psychological state of mind.
That’s all for today. I may rewrite/add to this in the next few days but I just wanted to jot down something. Now I have to encase any remaining cigarettes in the house in wax (leave no temptation behind) and I have to get my hubby to photograph me as I consume that last cigarette.