You know I think you can only be lucid about cigarette smoking when you have decided that you have stopped. All day today I have asked why I smoked for so long and why I allowed it to control me so. The only satisfaction I got is that I realized I am an addict – both physically & psychologically addicted to cigarette smoking. In all the years that I have been smoking I never considered myself an addict – sure I recognized at times that I was addicted to nicotine but to label me an addict would be to go way to far … or would it? Do non-smokers (I mean people who have never smoked) look on smokers as addicts? If people drink too much, or even allow their next drink to control how their day goes, you would definitely label that person an alcoholic, the substance abuse person who might sneak around looking for his/her next fix would also be labeled an addict. And yet I have never heard of a cigarette smoker being called an addict or a smokeaholic. He/she is termed as having a “habit†of smoking and is addicted to nicotine. I can tell you I have a very bad habit of slouching on the sofa and when I considered that it might be causing some discomfort in my chest I moved to an upright chair and haven’t sat there since – I don’t miss sitting on the sofa to the extent that I cannot think of anything else, am almost nonfunctional and simply want the day to just disappear.
Today I couldn’t think of anything else but a cigarette because I am an ADDICT. I read much to that effect in Allen Carr’s book yesterday but it really didn’t hit home. I was optimistic that it would be easy to quit this time because I felt I was so well prepared, that I was taking control and I wasn’t “giving up†a thing – indeed I have everything to gain. So today, when I couldn’t concentrate on a thing with my woolly head I allowed myself just to draw what came instinctively and in that process the realization fully hit that I am indeed an addict. That was shocking to me. I have never thought of it before that way. The thing is, it is socially acceptable to be a cigarette addict and your friends probably don’t see it that way. I will keep that for my next post tomorrow. I’m tired.
So for that reason I am now on Day 1 of recovery. What a long day it has been – the minutes have crept by like hours and I’m looking forward to the oblivion of sleep.
Overall it has been easy to say no today. I just have to say no everyday.
Having said that, any other time I gave up smoking, Day 1 was always the easiest.
My artwork for today was not what I hoped to do but it helped me while away the day:
