AshesToAshes

I’ve just received Melanie’s last cigarette in the mail. She sent me her last cigarette that she smoked and a cigarette withheld for me. Melanie quit on February 14th and has had a slip or two – but she is working really hard at it and that is the key to success. She’s not giving up on quitting and she’ll do great.

I got Vicky’s last cigarette in the mail on Tuesday this week when I got back from a trip to Miami to see my husband’s family. She sent me her last cigarette that she smoked plus two that she hadn’t smoked in the box (see pictures below). Vicky is on Day 14 now!!! WHOOHOO Vicky – I know you will do it – somehow I know she has got the right ingredients together to pull off a successful quit. I wish I knew what they are – you just know. Perhaps one of the key ingredients is that she has a punching bag in her basement and that will greatly help in dealing with the withdrawals.

Anyway I am really excited to have got these wonderful materials and I hope I will do Vicky justice. Thanks again, Vicky and I loved the presentation package!!

At last – quit day is about to arrive – tomorrow July 9th, 2007. I’m so glad it is almost here and am actually looking forward to the nicotine cravings etc so that I can get it over and done with. Anyway we’ll see tomorrow and finally I can blog more. I’ve been on vacation abroad for the last two weeks with friends so haven’t been able to write as I planned, which is a pity as I wanted to write about the act of smoking while fully engaged in it.
I want to document why I want to stop smoking, as I am sure that I will waver in the days to come. Unfortunately I have to write this quickly as I have a lot of things to do to prepare for tomorrow:
- I have lost self-respect for myself and have low self-esteem. I didn’t attribute these feelings to cigarette smoking but now I am convinced that are at a minimum contributing to an overall sense of negativity. I did a series of sub-conscious abstract works earlier this year and while most of them were vivid I gave them all titles that were self-deprecating. Check out the series of works called “Moved to Abstraction” on my website. That’s what finally led to this project – I started to question why I felt that way. The answer didn’t go any further than smoking.
- I feel I am not in control of my life – cigarettes CONTROL me. They dictate what I do every part of the day. I avoid certain situations where I can’t smoke, who I visit etc. Cigarettes control me and I am ASHAMED of that.
- I’ve become lethargic and waste days. I don’t leave the house as long as I have cigarettes. The result has been a very depressing and lonely year. I’ve created a prison for myself at home, where I can smoke secretly with no one watching and judging. I can’t imagine that non-smokers feel sorry for smokers but must be repelled and disgusted. Catch 22!
- Not surprisingly I feel STUPID. I am horrified when I see some of my nieces and nephews smoke and yet I smoke in front of them. I don’t want to encourage anyone to ever to start and yet I smoke in front of children! I also can’t believe that it has actually taken me over twenty years to get to a state of mind where I accept that smoking is detrimental to my health and psychological state of mind.

That’s all for today. I may rewrite/add to this in the next few days but I just wanted to jot down something. Now I have to encase any remaining cigarettes in the house in wax (leave no temptation behind) and I have to get my hubby to photograph me as I consume that last cigarette.

It’s been twenty-five years or so that I have been smoking cigarettes. I actually started the habit quite late, in that unlike most people who start smoking as teenagers, I was twenty or so when I took my first one. At that time I was working full time and at the same time attending university at nighttime. Most evenings I didn’t get home until after 11pm and because I needed to relax before going to bed I started taking a cigarette from my sisters, who both smoked then. Sometimes we would all smoke in the bedroom before going off to sleep.

I distinctly remember my first cigarette – I recall being dizzy and disorientated as I climbed the stairs to go to bed. But also, I remember, enjoying my time with my sisters, as there hadn’t been much of that in the years preceding that.

And then it just went on from there. I had an hour and a half in between finishing work and going to lectures at TCD (Trinity College Dublin) with less than a ten minute walk in between so there was a lot of time to fill. I’d have my dinner and then have a coffee at TCD and watch the full time students’ debate, argue – whatever full time students do. I was jealous and I didn’t really belong. So it seems I started to have a cigarette or two there to fill the void.

And bit by bit, cigarettes began to appear anytime I wasn’t working – morning and afternoon tea breaks, out for a drink. Then I started smoking during work at my desk… I don’t even remember when cigarettes became part of my morning routine. That was probably the biggest nail in my coffin and I don’t even remember it. And of course, it didn’t stop at one cigarette in the morning – it turned into many and more and more…