AshesToAshes

I haven’t written in over a month and yet I have so much to say. I am now smokefree over 9 months and more importantly have not smoked over 5000 cigarettes. I am still very much an ex-smoker and still am amazed that I think of cigarettes on a frequent basis. The change in weather has brought on some strong cravings and my husband has rightly pointed out that it is simply associations of sitting outside, having a drink and enjoying the sun. Someone told me that you have to experience everything at least once again as a non-smoker before we lose those associations.My quit is strong and while sometimes I imagine a cigarette would be nice I am so glad I am no longer its slave.I am posting a photograph that fellow quitter, mentor, supporter sent to me a while back. I have to check the name of the tree but the image is beautiful. I see Tibetan prayer flags and I would love to create a similar mobile with the words of people who gave up smoking.Â

Today I’ve reached my 6 month milestone and I’m celebrating! I have saved $900 and more importantly have not inhaled 3600 cigarettes into my system.
For people new to quitting or contemplating quitting I want to tell you the things I thought that I would never get used to before I started my quit.
- that morning cigarette(s)
- the one after a meal
- the one with a drink
- the one to settle my nerves
- the one to control my anger
- the one before I did ANYTHING
- the one after I finished ANYTHING
- the one to make me feel good

Six months down the road I really don’t miss any of those things. I am SO happy to be FREE of that goddamned addiction.

NEVER use the works “I’m giving up” when talking about quitting smoking – you are “giving up” nothing – you have SO much more to gain by quitting.

Well I seem to be over my little sulk about not getting the grant! I have to make a special thanks to you who wrote to me with support. I SO appreciate it! In many ways now I am more energized now about the project and am starting my efforts anew tomorrow as I have cleaned off my to-do list. I’m strating into the 3d part of my work so will be creating some sculptural works.

When I had originally applied for the grant I had fleetingly worried about how I would react if I didn’t get the grant – remember that I had linked this quit to a professional goal because I had always failed to quit for myself – well that grant proposal was a major part of that professional goal. Not getting it was a huge test for me – on a platter I was handed a get out of jail card free and I could go back smoking with a great excuse in hand (at least it looks like a great excuse to a cigarette addict!). Well I resisted but boy was it trying for a few days and I owe so much to everyone who helped me through it. I grew up a lot but the beauty is that for once in my life I saw how stupid it would be to smoke. So all in all, I did great and I am proud to say I am well on my way to being a non-smoker!!

I haven’t written in a while and that is because I was waiting. I was waiting impatiently early last week for the announcement by the Arts & Humanities Council of Montgomery County of who were the FY08 recipients of the Creative Grants awards – I had applied for one based on this project i.e. maintaining this blog and creating related artwork over a thirteen month period. So finally I got notification that I was not one of the grantees and to say I was disappointed would be such an understatement. I had really set my hopes on getting this grant – not for the money – but as an affirmation that both the project and my art are good and meaningful. I had put a lot of work into building the proposal and now feel somehow silly and naïve for having shared my goals with strangers.I had really wanted the grant as an incentive to stay smoke free – I have never stayed smoke free for over three months – so the grant would have given me the incentive I need to keep going and reach a year without smoking. To be honest I was really SURE that I would get the grant so I felt like the floor was pulled beneath me last week and didn’t know how to proceed – to give up the project and just move on to something else. And yes – I did want a cigarette and wanted to throw the towel in and smoke. But after all this time and effort that would be really sad and very silly. So now I just have to learn not to smoke for myself and not because of some promise I’ve made on paper to an organization.So I’ve decided that the project continues, I will pull myself out of my doom & gloom mood and I will stay smoke free.

For some reason this last week has been quite hard – I’ve had frequent cravings for cigarettes and even this morning had such a strong feeling to have a cigarette with my morning coffee. Also I have heard of people having smoking dreams and am now experiencing them on a frequent basis – I dream that I am smoking again and I am appalled at myself but secretly happy that I am having a cigarette again. I am also extremely tired and sleeping a lot. I do see a big difference in my face and skin – my face looks more relaxed and skin is much softer than before. Mysterious spots on my arms that lasted years and had worried me have now disappeared.

For those people who have always been non-smokers I want to dispel some myths that they are fond of telling smokers as (annoying & very irritating) reasons to stop smoking:
- Getting back your sense of smell is not all that it is scratched up to be – there are really lots of bad smells around us.
- Food does not necessarily taste better. I actually can’t stand even the thought of a MacDonald’s burger now (well that is not a bad thing is it?)

My quitmeter tells me that I am smober 8 weeks, 3 days, 16 hours, 53 minutes, 32 seconds. I have saved over $300 by not smoking and I would have smoked (I hate to admit this) 1200 cigarettes! That’s kind of unimaginable. This number never fails to shock me!

Healthwise my blood pressure is down and my pulse is now in the high 50′s or low 60′s – when I was smoking it was high 70′s. I am 3lbs heavier but if I stop eating chocolate I’m sure I will lose that in a few weeks, plus I have been skipping exercise so tomorrow I have to change that!

I haven’t written in a while. Had house guests for 10 days so that meant tools down. Hopefully someday I can afford to pay for a studio so that I can have my own place to disappear into. From childhood I have had this image of a small white room with one chair and a desk… an isolated place where I could sit and think. No intrusions – my sacred space. It sounds like heaven. Someday!
Well, I have been smober 8 weeks & 2 days now….smober… free from smoke & niccotine addiction. It does feel good. Urges to have a cigarette at this point pass quickly but still exist. They are urges and not cravings. Old triggers flare up quickly – as soon as the house guests left I WANTED a cigarette and that kept up for a day or two. Now I’m anxious as I have a lot of deadlines in the next few weeks and I am trying to catch up on a lost week of work – so of course I would like a cigarette now. I can’t have one – not one – ever. On the whole, that is pretty easy to say now and I almost really mean it!

In his review of the WPA/C’s 9×10 show #6, Keith Mellema of The Fall Church News Press writes of my work

“Jackie Hoysted has some rather intriguing abstracts using encaustic, paper and tobacco juice stains from cigarette butts she’s smoked. The depth of art isn’t always readily apparent and this is a fine example there of. Having quit smoking six weeks ago, Hoysted took her former vice and made art out of it. The brown-toned tobacco stains are placed on paper burned at the edges. The encaustic adding a warmed toned wash to it all. The burned paper edges representing the damage she has done to her body through her years of smoking. It’s nice to see her working through her tobacco addiction and leaving something positive behind. Here’s to her conquering it. “

Read the full article here.