AshesToAshes

Recently, someone told me that I was a nicer person when I was smoking. The situation in which that occurred was a tense one but I am confident that I did not deserve having horrible remarks thrown at me. I know the statement was meant to hurt (and of course it did) but I don’t think the person who said it totally understood how much it hurt and what an awful thing it was to say. I actually felt as if someone had kicked me in the stomach and I was left totally winded. Basically it’s the same as telling an alcoholic to go get drunk or a heroin addict to go get a fix because the statement belittles the addict and diminishes all the work that he/she put into becoming “clean”. Fortunately I am a good way along in my quit and feeling strong (5 months now) so I didn’t use this as an excuse to go back smoking – another time I would have – and that’s what makes the statement so horrible. I do feel very belittled but as I say I honestly don’t think the person who said it knew how undermining the statement actually was… well at least I hope not.

I’ve just come back from a trip to Ireland over Thanksgiving where I had the opportunity to present the Irish Taoiseach (Irish prime minister) Bertie Ahern with my painting Self-Destruction I. It was a pleasure to meet Mr. Ahern who was extremely affable.
The Irish legislation to ban smoking in working places overnight and countrywide in 2004 had a huge influence on me. The legislation created in me a sense of constriction of having nowhere to go to sit down and enjoy a cigarette. I felt like a net had been cast and I was caught up in it. Although smoking had been banned here in Montgomery County, MD the previous year it did not have the same impact – it was still possible to drive to DC, Virginia other MD counties and smoke in bars and additionally the weather is more co-operative here in that you can smoke outside comfortably for a large portion of the year. I didn’t approve of the legislation then but in retrospect it made me realize I had to stop smoking.
A copy of the letter I read to the Taoiseach is included here.

November 19, 2007
To An Taoiseach, Bertie Ahern,

As one of the worlds’ foremost leaders in the fight against tobacco it is an honour and a privilege for me to have the opportunity to present to you my painting entitled Self-Destruction I, 2007. The mixed media painting is constructed from my cigarette ashes, tobacco, lighter fuel and encaustic wax and is intended to be a metaphor for me and the damage that I have caused to my body from over twenty years of addiction to cigarettes.
In June 2007, I began a visual arts project “The Psychology of Smoking and Quitting” – the project comprises three parts: maintaining a blog where I document thoughts about my own “quit”; the creation of artwork that symbolizes the damage that has been inflicted on my body through smoking and lastly, a public component where I solicit other smokers to send me their last cigarette so that I can immortalize that life changing decision into a work of art. The project has been profiled in the Washington City Paper and the Falls Church News Press, Virginia.
My father, a life long smoker, died of cancer and half my family were also nicotine addicts. Today, I am proud to say that we are a smoke free family and for that we must thank the legislators and encourage them to continue their valuable work in working towards a totally smoke free society.
Sincerely,
Jackie Hoysted

I don’t know how I missed this but I should have reported this milestone 2 days ago – by now I would have smoked 2048 cigarettes and have saved $509. I’m in the triple digit club of ex-smokers i.e. I have over 100 days smober. The only downside is that I am booked in with my dentist every Wednesday for 3 weeks to repair my teeth – 2 fillings and 1 crown. The latter I blame on my brand of muesli – it has some tiny nuts or something that are like stones (maybe they are stones..) because a couple of times I have had some nasty encounters while chewing. I got a fracture in my tooth from that. Now on the other hand the fillings are directly related to Reisen pieces that I have become so fond off – chocolate coated sticky caramel… I’m trying hard to reduce the chocolate intake but that’s a tough one. The visit to the dentist is helping though….
My weight is beginning to come down again …..verrrrrrrrry slowly….
I’ve started work on Beshinjit’s last cigarettes – he sent me three Marlboro ultra lights – so am working on that. Hopefully it will be finished by tomorrow if I don’t mess up. I have found it extremely hard working with the last cigarettes – total procrastination and fear that whatever I made would not be good enough. Originally I had planned to make paper coffins expecting that I would get lots of “last” cigarettes but then I had planned that before I quit myself. Most, if not all cigarette smokers want to smoke that cigarette and it is just too hard to part with it. Also asking someone who is planning on quitting to hold onto a whole cigarette so that they can mail it to me the next day or whatever is the equivalent of asking someone to hold dynamite in their hands. It is just too much temptation. So when I get a last cigarette it is SO valuable and has to be treated with so much care – and hence my fear.
Hopefully I will have some pictures to post tomorrow!

A few months ago there was a call for entries for artwork that addressed the theme of “The Last Gasp”. I didn’t enter the competition because the only thing I could think of to draw/paint was me smoking a cigarette in my deathbed. Just in case you misinterprett what I mean here – that was a good image in my mind and even a few weeks ago I still thought the same way. I didn’t enter the comptetion because I figured there was no original thinking there – that everyone else would want the same thing for their last gasp. I would love to know how many people submitted work that related to smoking on their deathbed.

My quitmeter tells me I am 3 months and 1 day quit, have saved $455 and wait for it – have not smoked 1822 cigarettes. That feels good and is a huge achievement.
I’ve actually gone to the pub twice in the last few weeks and sat outside on the patio where people were smoking around me. I managed fine but found I was better off sitting inside because I kept looking at the people who were smoking. I don’t really know how to describe it – I’ve got over the stage where I want to take the cigarette out of their hands but at the same time it is surreal experience watching them. Do I see myself, do I want to be them am I just holding myself back and really want to walk up and join them? I don’t know. I noticed a girl smoking and how like me she waved the smoke away so that it wouldn’t blow into her friends face and how she would press her body back into the back of her chair away from her friends when she took a drag. I felt sorry for her, she’s obviously self-conscious of her smoking habit but she doesn’t know yet that she’s an addict. She will become more addicted and like me her self esteem will diminish as the addiction gets stronger. She’s young.
Did I mention that I am so much freer in what I choose to do on a daily basis, I no longer think I’m not going such and such a place because it is hard to smoke there or I won’t be able to smoke. Now I go places and don’t even think about a cigarette for the most part. Isn’t that wonderful?