AshesToAshes

I actually wrote this on Day 17 but it still applies today…. Day 23

If I rub it (my head that is) it goes away for few minutes and I feel good.
But then soon, it’s back again.
It’s not exactly whining – it’s like a soft whisper now reminding me that I should have one now.
It doesn’t cause any pain….
It doesn’t even feel angry now…
It almost feels like it is disappointed in me…
It definitely feels sad
And honestly I feel sad that it just won’t go away
I wish for it to leave me alone
Because the persistency of this thing is wearisome…

I have made it to 21 days! At this point in time all nicotine should be out of my system but I’m not sure that that is the case. For about five days now I’ve had headaches – like something pressing against the front of my forehead. These headaches appear mid-morning and go on for most of the day – they are not really bad – just there. Apart from that, yes I’m still getting cravings but less frequently and I guess they are easier to deal with. It’s simple really – the answer is NO, No, No – tough luck, NO. No – you can’t have a cigarette! How many ways are there to say NO! Never! Most of the time it is easy to say NO now, but there are just sometimes…

I went to Toronto for the weekend for my husband’s cousin’s daughter’s wedding. No alcohol, no smoking – for me at least. At times it was a struggle but on the other hand I enjoyed not having to “sneak” out for a cigarette. I think I’ve actually become more sociable in that my mind is not concentrating on looking for the next opportunity to get outside for a smoke. So now I finally understand what Freedom from Smoking actually means and you know what, I am happy to say it feels good and I am really proud of myself.

The funny thing about the weekend was the airport experience and what a trigger that turned out to be for wanting a cigarette. I was actually looking forward to this trip – there would be no hustling to get that last cigarette in before going through security and no counting the minutes to landing …What a pleasure it should have been! Normally, I would have a cigarette or two outside the airport, I would have tucked my cigarette lighter somewhere where I hoped TSA personnel wouldn’t find it and get on the plane. The rest of the journey would be spent blanking out time, waiting for that moment to get outside the airport at the other end. Well this time, I knew that there were not going to any cigarettes at either end and yet I behaved as though there would be. I was extremely irritable as well – the most irritable I’ve been since I quit smoking. I was hankering for a cigarette at all the “old” opportunities and even thought of hiding my non-existent lighter! Conditioning, I guess. Bizarre and sad!

I have completed another image of Destruction. Again it is a collage of burnt watercolor paper soaked in cigarette butts and sprayed with nicotine “dye” i.e. cigarette butts soaked in water over a few weeks. I am going to continue on this vein for a while – it is theraputic and disgusting at the same time.
The images will be on view at DCAC Wall Mountables, 2007 Adams Morgan DC until Sept. 7th.
See for diections.

Sorry – I haven’t been writing as much as I thought I would. Allow me to self-indulgent for last week and this week coming. I’m just trying to cope I guess. According to my friends on the American Lung Association (LUNGUSA), week 1 is called Hell week and week 2 is Heck week. By the way things are going I think they are right.
Last week was bizarre. On one hand there are the withdrawal symptoms, which were strong for the first three-four days and the worst thing was the kind of numbness in the brain and the long playing record telling me to go have just one cigarette. By the end of the week (Friday I think) that had improved somewhat but when I got a craving it really took me by surprise more. Lunchtime for some reason is my worst time. I seem to go on craving for a couple of hours. I wonder is that because my lungs were tanked up with nicotine (I was a very heavy smoker in the morning) and by lunchtime had reached a peak. Heaven knows.
On the other hand by the end of the week I was experiencing a kind of euphoria – full of motivation, surge of energy, feeling success, meeting deadlines and getting rewards – all with the help of my friends on LUNGUSA. They really helped me along that first week!

Week two has started off pretty ok – just got a bit down this afternoon. I started a book binding class at the Corcoran College of Art & Design and I should be thrilled. I had been wondering about the drive there and how I would cope with it – normally I would have smoked 3 cigarettes in the car on the way there, 1 at break time and another 3 on the way back (and that’s not mentioning the 2-3 cigarettes I would have had before leaving the house). Anyway, I actually did fine which surprised me. I started getting withdrawal symptoms about 11.30am, so they were followed by these deep sighs in the classroom (they sound like sighs that someone makes to let you know they are very irritated at you). I’m sure they are not really the deep breathing exercises suggested by LungUSA but they seem to do the trick for me.
I need to complete some artwork I started last week so tomorrow I finish one piece and post it here. Busy days but this week I need to get my focus back. My head still feels fuzzy but I think I just have to be a little bit harder on myself to get going.
Sitting on the sofa reading the LungUSA posts is good but not all the time.

You know I think you can only be lucid about cigarette smoking when you have decided that you have stopped. All day today I have asked why I smoked for so long and why I allowed it to control me so. The only satisfaction I got is that I realized I am an addict – both physically & psychologically addicted to cigarette smoking. In all the years that I have been smoking I never considered myself an addict – sure I recognized at times that I was addicted to nicotine but to label me an addict would be to go way to far … or would it? Do non-smokers (I mean people who have never smoked) look on smokers as addicts? If people drink too much, or even allow their next drink to control how their day goes, you would definitely label that person an alcoholic, the substance abuse person who might sneak around looking for his/her next fix would also be labeled an addict. And yet I have never heard of a cigarette smoker being called an addict or a smokeaholic. He/she is termed as having a “habit” of smoking and is addicted to nicotine. I can tell you I have a very bad habit of slouching on the sofa and when I considered that it might be causing some discomfort in my chest I moved to an upright chair and haven’t sat there since – I don’t miss sitting on the sofa to the extent that I cannot think of anything else, am almost nonfunctional and simply want the day to just disappear.

Today I couldn’t think of anything else but a cigarette because I am an ADDICT. I read much to that effect in Allen Carr’s book yesterday but it really didn’t hit home. I was optimistic that it would be easy to quit this time because I felt I was so well prepared, that I was taking control and I wasn’t “giving up” a thing – indeed I have everything to gain. So today, when I couldn’t concentrate on a thing with my woolly head I allowed myself just to draw what came instinctively and in that process the realization fully hit that I am indeed an addict. That was shocking to me. I have never thought of it before that way. The thing is, it is socially acceptable to be a cigarette addict and your friends probably don’t see it that way. I will keep that for my next post tomorrow. I’m tired.

So for that reason I am now on Day 1 of recovery. What a long day it has been – the minutes have crept by like hours and I’m looking forward to the oblivion of sleep.

Overall it has been easy to say no today. I just have to say no everyday.
Having said that, any other time I gave up smoking, Day 1 was always the easiest.
My artwork for today was not what I hoped to do but it helped me while away the day: