AshesToAshes

I haven’t written in a while and that is because I was waiting. I was waiting impatiently early last week for the announcement by the Arts & Humanities Council of Montgomery County of who were the FY08 recipients of the Creative Grants awards – I had applied for one based on this project i.e. maintaining this blog and creating related artwork over a thirteen month period. So finally I got notification that I was not one of the grantees and to say I was disappointed would be such an understatement. I had really set my hopes on getting this grant – not for the money – but as an affirmation that both the project and my art are good and meaningful. I had put a lot of work into building the proposal and now feel somehow silly and naïve for having shared my goals with strangers.I had really wanted the grant as an incentive to stay smoke free – I have never stayed smoke free for over three months – so the grant would have given me the incentive I need to keep going and reach a year without smoking. To be honest I was really SURE that I would get the grant so I felt like the floor was pulled beneath me last week and didn’t know how to proceed – to give up the project and just move on to something else. And yes – I did want a cigarette and wanted to throw the towel in and smoke. But after all this time and effort that would be really sad and very silly. So now I just have to learn not to smoke for myself and not because of some promise I’ve made on paper to an organization.So I’ve decided that the project continues, I will pull myself out of my doom & gloom mood and I will stay smoke free.

For some reason this last week has been quite hard – I’ve had frequent cravings for cigarettes and even this morning had such a strong feeling to have a cigarette with my morning coffee. Also I have heard of people having smoking dreams and am now experiencing them on a frequent basis – I dream that I am smoking again and I am appalled at myself but secretly happy that I am having a cigarette again. I am also extremely tired and sleeping a lot. I do see a big difference in my face and skin – my face looks more relaxed and skin is much softer than before. Mysterious spots on my arms that lasted years and had worried me have now disappeared.

For those people who have always been non-smokers I want to dispel some myths that they are fond of telling smokers as (annoying & very irritating) reasons to stop smoking:
- Getting back your sense of smell is not all that it is scratched up to be – there are really lots of bad smells around us.
- Food does not necessarily taste better. I actually can’t stand even the thought of a MacDonald’s burger now (well that is not a bad thing is it?)

My quitmeter tells me that I am smober 8 weeks, 3 days, 16 hours, 53 minutes, 32 seconds. I have saved over $300 by not smoking and I would have smoked (I hate to admit this) 1200 cigarettes! That’s kind of unimaginable. This number never fails to shock me!

Healthwise my blood pressure is down and my pulse is now in the high 50’s or low 60’s – when I was smoking it was high 70’s. I am 3lbs heavier but if I stop eating chocolate I’m sure I will lose that in a few weeks, plus I have been skipping exercise so tomorrow I have to change that!

I haven’t written in a while. Had house guests for 10 days so that meant tools down. Hopefully someday I can afford to pay for a studio so that I can have my own place to disappear into. From childhood I have had this image of a small white room with one chair and a desk… an isolated place where I could sit and think. No intrusions – my sacred space. It sounds like heaven. Someday!
Well, I have been smober 8 weeks & 2 days now….smober… free from smoke & niccotine addiction. It does feel good. Urges to have a cigarette at this point pass quickly but still exist. They are urges and not cravings. Old triggers flare up quickly – as soon as the house guests left I WANTED a cigarette and that kept up for a day or two. Now I’m anxious as I have a lot of deadlines in the next few weeks and I am trying to catch up on a lost week of work – so of course I would like a cigarette now. I can’t have one – not one – ever. On the whole, that is pretty easy to say now and I almost really mean it!